dudley_do_ride: My Cock... He ees Comeen for the Weemen - 3/9/13 - Female Performer Chat

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Female Performer Chat: My Cock... He ees Comeen for the Weemen

Created by: dudley_do_ride

3/28/13 @ 12:57am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,272

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* pufffffffffffffff *

It is time... time for me to give something back.

* puffffffffff *

Guys... Compadres.... Amici mieiiis...

Do you wanna know how to get a really, really, big cock?

Of course you do. You wanna be the big boy on the block. You wanna be the ram that brings down that castle. You wanna be... remembered.... for a really, really, really, long time.

I know you've tried so many things. Just so many scams right? You haven't given up... have you?

Its really quite simple... You feel that underwear on you right now? I'll bet you do. You feel how goddamned tight it is, how fucking restraining? If some mother had tied a bunch of itchy, scratching synthetic threads around your pointy heads and around your flat feet and made it really, really tight... do you think you'd be those tall wonders you are today?

A cock's gotta breath bruddas. You gotta give him some space. Gotta go... commando my friends. Gotta burn some threads. That's right. Light em up. Nothing makes a cock reach for the sky like the smell of burning fruits of the looms.

* pufff *

Know what I'm smoking? Have... you... figured... it.... out.... yet?...... *puff* tet?

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

3/30/13 @ 3:11am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,272

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Lord Pork: The news ees bad... They outnumbaire oos mair thahn 5 to 1.

Earl Johnson: Thats right... And we are peened on the edge of the bed... thair ees no escape.

Baron Longshaft: Oh how I weesh thair wair more of us thees day...

Emporer Cockulon: Who wishes that?

All: M'lud?

Emporer Cockulon: No my fair cocksons... if we are marked to die... we are enough to do our country loss... and if to live... the fewer cocks... the greater share of honor. God's will I pray you wish not one cock more. Proclaim it throughout my host that he that has not stomach for this fight.... let him depart... his passport shall be made and dineros for convey shall be put into his wallet we would not die in that cock's company that fears his fellowship to die with us. This orgy is called the Feast at Christie's Tit. He that outlives this day and returns safe home shall stare at tit and toe when this day is named and rouse himself at Christie's name. He that shall see this day and live to old age will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbors and say "tomorrow is another orgy at Christies" Then shall he strip his yarny warmer and show his scars and say "these wounds i had at Christies place" Old cocks forget... it all shall be forgotten... but he'll remember with advantages what feats he did that day. And our names, as familiar in their mouths as household words, Megadick, CumOtheMountain, Shafty the Cumman, be in their flowing cups freshly remembered. This story shall a good cock teach his son and a Christie's shall ne'er go by from this day till the ending of the world but we in it shall be remembered...

We few... we happy few. we.... band... of brothers... for he today that spills his cum with me shall be my brother though he be ever so vile this day shall gentle his condition... and men abed back home shall think themselves accurst that they were not here... and hold their manhood cheap... while it peaks in all who fight with us on Christie's day!!!

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

4/1/13 @ 12:14am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,272

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Captain Cock: You MUST return control of THIS ship to ME!!!

Lefty: No! With my mind I force our course to Keldor!

Captain Cock: Then I will destroy the ship!

Lefty: How? Puny monkey cock.

Captain Cock: Computer! Initiate self destruct sequence code: A 1 A 1 B

Lefty: Nice code jerkwad!

Spcock: Science Officer Spcock here. Enter destruct code B2 B2 C.

Lefty: Whoooooooa!

ScotchTee: Engineering officer ScotchTee.... enter destruct code C3 C3 D

Lefty: Yeah?

Computer: Voice patterns and codes recognized. Commencing countdown. 30... 29.... 28...

Captain Cock: My ship! Give me back my ship!

Lefty: Never!

Computer: 25... 24... 23....

Captain Cock: Why do you hate him so much anyway? Why do you insist upon taking him back for trial? Why do you pursue him all the way across 5 galaxies?

Lefty: Because... he ees an eenfeeriyoor typuh. Ees whaht on ze raht not on ze left.

Captain Cock: At one time your ancestors must have been one color. You both come from the same origin.

Lefty: Talkah to ze handuh monkey stick.

Computer: 15... 14... 13...

Captain: What'll it be? Give me back control of my ship and wait for Spermfleet to return its verdict or fiery death in the unforgiving void of space...

Lefty: Spcock what'll be the outcome for us if I return control?

Spcock: Logic says that Spermfleet won't let you have the prisoner and you two will run around the ship until you teleport down to the now destroyed surface of your world and fight each other forever.

Lefty: Glad I asked... See you in hell monotinus cockinus.

Captain (to Spcock) Don't you ever lie?

* KAAAAAAAABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMM *

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

4/4/13 @ 10:14pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,272

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The giant disembodied cock throbbed with excitement...

this was no ordinary day...

she... she... was ready...

He heard her wiggling up the steps, He heard the key in the door...

It had been three weeks since they had taken her away. She had been fighting them. He told her as they carried her off... "It will be so much better this way..."

Now He knew He would be vindicated. He couldn't wait for the key to unlatch the door. He threw it open. There she was...

Prettiest pussy you ever saw, bald, and wet. A ring, a shiny new ring through the clitorus... His blood rose at the sight of it... It said... said... said...

"Stepford Pussy #3128675"

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

4/5/13 @ 11:02pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,272

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A missing page from Darwin's Beagle Journal:

Day 214 - Wednesday? We anchored at Sulivan and prepared to spend the day observing the various species. We were in the lava tunnels that I have previously described when all of a sudden we heard the drums... drums!!!

We started to retreat not knowing what to expect and that's when they came over the ridge, came... I choose my words deliberately I'm afraid. There must have been fifty giant disembodied cocks smeared with war paint and wearing Machean lava lizard pelts.

No one has ever observed these before. We were careful to sketch their characteristic beaked foreskins and their clearly naturally hairless scrotii. For if these islands have taught us anything it is that other species of these will exist and have significantly different characters.

The leader of them shouted out "Yo dewduhs. How's this for some selection pressure" And then he, well I needn't tell you what the horrible creature did then. Selection pressure? What the devil did he mean? And how could he do it while staggering around in such a profound slouch?

Oh the existence of these vile creatures has caused me to question the order of things. How could a loving and all powerful Being bring into existence such monstrosities here at the same time He was creating us in His image elsewhere? It is no accident that they have collected here at this place straddling the equator. Their sweaty, lotion soaked rituals couldn't stand the cold dawn of one of our winters. As degenerate as they are, I can see no trace of origin in a more evolved being.

Yet I suspect , in some of my wanderings in some of the shadier backwaters of this earth, that I have seen similar forms in other lands. Not to be discussed. But I suspect that in this there is the thread of a Great Advance.

Oh crap. I won't be able to use the rest of the page because they have oozed some of their ahem on my page.

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Created by: wardrobe_lesbian

4/6/13 @ 4:39pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Twat Island
Posts: 319

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It is obvious to me that it is small; I'd suggest using *veet for men* non-icon. Eventually you will get rid of the testicles and then can shove it in your mouth to stop with all this nonsense. Finally there's no difference in most of your posts or I would suggest getting a blog and doing your posts; maybe you can get some constructive criticism and a response for your art. :offtopic

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

4/6/13 @ 8:57pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,272

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Thank you for taking the time to write a comment regarding your experience with "The Cocksic Cumedna (Cock Saga)". It is you, our fans, that make us love doing our job and that is why we take the time to answer each note personally. It is the personal touch here at DoRide Industries that sets us apart and keeps you coming back for more. We feel that if we treat each person like a fragile frond of some valuable new species in an ecological preserve, that we are doing our part to make this earth the paradise it never was.

Note that your donations are not tax deductible. We are a privately owned business and definately for profit.

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Created by: amanda_fucking_palmer

4/6/13 @ 11:18pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: yeah baby ... i'm faking it again
Posts: 1,793

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Created by: wardrobe_lesbian

4/6/13 @ 11:39pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Twat Island
Posts: 319

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

4/7/13 @ 8:11am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,272

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* Takes note of Dudley's peeling red nose and rather novel beer can pull tab nipple piercings. *

Oh wait, was it you or was it your significant other who made the post while running nude, bleeding because veet for men had side effects and no fees were payed ?

> Forwarded to DoRide News Outlet - We do the news, so you can do other things

Thanks for your interest regarding our recent article. "Tranny Day at Leo Carrilo" was one of our most heavily responded to pieces. Those with alternate life styles who are interested in news of other up and coming events may check the appropriate section of our daily paper: Lifestyle Related Happenings A-Z. Those who are interested in the properties of brass, for example does it corrode in salt water, please check the Materials Properties and Constants Reference that accompanys each daily dose of news goodness. We do not recommend that you take our paper to the beach and certainly do not take it into the water with you. It is also not approved for use as toilet paper, for a list of author's works that are, please refer to our Sunday issue, Reviews Section

DoRide News, 2013, Circulation 3.8 billion and growing

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Created by: amanda_fucking_palmer

4/7/13 @ 8:28am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: yeah baby ... i'm faking it again
Posts: 1,793

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> Forwarded to DoRide News Outlet - We do the news, so you can do other things

Thanks for your interest regarding our recent article. "Tranny Day at Leo Carrilo" was one of our most heavily responded to pieces. Those with alternate life styles who are interested in news of other up and coming events may check the appropriate section of our daily paper: Lifestyle Related Happenings A-Z. Those who are interested in the properties of brass, for example does it corrode in salt water, please check the Materials Properties and Constants Reference that accompanys each daily dose of news goodness. We do not recommend that you take our paper to the beach and certainly do not take it into the water with you. It is also not approved for use as toilet paper, for a list of author's works that are, please refer to our Sunday issue, Reviews Section

DoRide News, 2013, Circulation 3.8 billion and growing

The room is bright and modern appointed; the 123rd floor is highly prized and she has fought years, hard years to obtain this corner perch just above the cloud cover. News print is scattered across the burnished and hand oiled burled 17th century walnut of the work table. Her professionally manicured small hand with glowing white French nails touches, retreats, touches again and follows the column layout. She glimpses briefly at photographs in tri-colour inks, at charts linear and pie shaped; a Wenn diagram is studied and the printed formula and sample selection quickly verified with a gold cased calculator.

She straightens and stares out the wide expanse of strengthened glass at an Airbus flight streaming across the blue above. Her hand picks up the iPhone 6 prototype and she taps and slides and selects from an extensive contact list. "Wardrobe? I love you ... yeah I think so. Listen do this little thing will ya? Umm hmmm ... Call that Hong Kong broker we met in Dusseldorf will ya? Tell him to clean the market of shares in that company ... yeah fok the price ... I think that shit will touch heaven pretty quickly and we can make a killin ..." She walks to the window and places her hand against its chilled surface, feeling the sway of the structure, the rhythm of the wind pressures flowing across the planet without ... the pulse hammering in her palm ... the hunger for proprietary ownership growling in her belly.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

4/8/13 @ 10:38pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,272

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Aaaaahd rathaire av ay hawtee een frawnt of me...

thahn becahm... ahn outrayhjus... scrotal amputee.

- Jahn val Johnson

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

4/11/13 @ 1:54am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,272

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It's up to the younger generation to save us...

Years from now, when they unearth our civilization, they will be amazed at how prudish we were, even in this century. In no place is it more evident than our language.

The Eskimos have a bazillion words for snow we are told, but how many do we have for penis, pecker, dong, longfellow? A lot, you say. Well, oh really?

How do we tell what species of cock we are dealing with? Context! We have no different word, other than restaurant eupheemisms, for bull dick, chicken wick, dog saugage, cat uh... cat uh... see!?!

How many epic poems can you rattle off where some jibe is made at the hero's stallion's blue, diamond hard cock o' the morning? None. Shakespeare ever describe the calvary horse brigade's marks in the sand as they paced before battle? Or even the glorious act that created that famous knight's equally famous steed?

Weanies! Puritans! Worthless spouters of blandities! I want to hear our language flower with your foul, disgusting vetch of barnyard depravity so that at no time do I have to allude to Myrtl's cowness (you see it applies to pussys too you know) when she to that dark tower comes...

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

4/11/13 @ 2:17am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,272

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No... wait... it is actually worse than I thought...

Suppose I say: gigantic disembodied cock.

I know what you unimaginative clods do. I know it. You picture a human cock, all pink and smooth, with maybe a man's mouth on it, that is your own height or so. Ok Ok I admit part of it is my fault. I mean my scenes have all been about that scale. There was no Tokyo destroying Cockzilla.

But now, suppose I say that hey presto changeo the cock is a giant disembodied dog's cock. What do you do? I know what you do. You take the same cock, same height, make it some disgusting new color and change the mouth to a dog's mouth with tounge lolling out. Point is, it looks nothing like a scaled up dog's cock. Why? Admit it! You weanies can't bring yourselves to look at a dog's cock. YOu certainly couldn't sketch it from memory or describe it to a police officer.

Pffft. Add to this the urbanization of most countries and it is amazing that we have any grasp of Biology at all. And you can't count upon PBS to air a 15 round battle of giant dog cock vs cat cock, or cobra cock vs mongoose cock.

Once again it is the renaissance man who must shoulder the burden in this New Dark Ages...

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Created by: amanda_fucking_palmer

4/11/13 @ 2:50am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: yeah baby ... i'm faking it again
Posts: 1,793

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i want ...

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

4/11/13 @ 9:48am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,272

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i want ...

Ah there IS hope. It would have been so nice if this was the pop standard back in high school. I was a little thick back then when it came to semaphores and maaaaaan were there semaphores. This plus an odd sense of humor were nearly my undoing...

But still, still, you have to infer who she is talking to. Am I right? You may think it is charming. But that is only because you consider a few possibilities. What if she is talking to a lectroid? Or a mantis? Or a sloth? Would you feel the same way about this song? You let her off with her ambiguity thinking maybe it applies to human genders. Or do you? Maybe you are all freaks and you do have some horrible possibilities in mind. Like corpse ooze or ...

Well keeping working on it... keep working on it. My time is done. I have given all I can to the species. It is all over for me. I can only hope that I tried hard enough...

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

4/11/13 @ 10:00am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,272

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Agent: The feedback from your new single is in.

Singer: Cool! Let me have it!

Agent: They want you to be more specific.

Singer: Come again?

Agent: They want you to identify the subject explicitly. They want species, numerous helpful adjectives, time of year, temperature, some idea of age and country of birth.

Singer: You're shitting me!

Agent: No, they are very confused. They don't know how to feel.

Singer: Why can't they use their imaginations, fill in the blanks, make it mean what they want it to.

Agent: I don't know. I'm a lectroid. All agents are lectroids you know. Not our planet monkey girl!

Singer: Right hmmmmmm. I am still getting used to having to call them all bb.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

4/11/13 @ 10:29am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,272

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Oh but wait...

I should give some positive feedback, some credit where credit is due.

Sarah Silverman did in fact set the standard when she not only identified who she was currently fucking, but she removed all reasonable doubt about anything by showing him in the video and making sure he substantiated her claim. Matt Damon therefore also gets credit for his supporting role.

Be like Sarah. Remember... be like Sarah.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

4/12/13 @ 7:13pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,272

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Model T: Hey bb, what's up? I mean besides you?

Colonel Cock: I am resurfing my cum shots!

Model T: Cool... can I watch?

Colonel Cock: Schultz! Bring her a chair! Now!

Model T: oooooooh I love a man in control. And your uniform, growwwwwwwwllllll.

Hogan: Hi Colonel. And heeeeeelllllooooooo.

Colonel Cock: What do you want Hogan? Make it quick.

Hogan: Sir the men would like to... wow nice resurfing...

Colonel Cock: Yes yes yes yes. Get on with it!

Schultz: Ein chair for the lady. Hello Colonel Hogan. Unt... oh very good resurfing mein herr.

Colonel Cock: yehhhhhhh mmmmmmmmmmphhhhh yes yes yes we all love the resurfing is there anything else?

****** We interrupt our show for breaking news... Cockzilla has resurfed and is moving north toward Tokyo ***************************************************************************

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

4/14/13 @ 1:20am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,272

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* fwoo fwee fwoo fwee fwee fwee fweeeeeeeeeee fweeeeeeeee fwee fwee fwee*

Meadowcock: Shoot it over here squirty...

Squirty: All right

*fweee fweeee fwee fwoo fweeeeee fwoo fwee fwee fwee fwoooooooooo *

Doc Cock: Three at the same time!

* fwee fwee fwooo fwoo fweeeee fwwee fweee fwooo fwoo fweee *

Saltiness: Surf it over here bb. That's right!

* fwoo fwee fwee fwee fwee fweee fweeeeeeeeeeeee fwoo fwee fwee fwee fwee fwooooo fweeeee*

Meadowcock: If they give ya lemons, y'all, make lemon aid.

Squirty: And if they give you give you something limp.... you know what to do.

Meadowcock: Round the world.

Doc cock: Ain't that yoyos?

Meadowcock: Them too.

* fweee fwee fwoo fweee fwee fwooo fwee fwee fwee fwee fwee fwee fwee fwee fweeeeeeeee*

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